


Half My Heart Beats In Spring

by mylittlecthulhu (marineko)



Series: Seasons [4]
Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-29
Updated: 2010-05-29
Packaged: 2017-10-23 08:41:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/248384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marineko/pseuds/mylittlecthulhu





	Half My Heart Beats In Spring

_I wish summer never ended  
You were true and not pretending  
You broke my heart in two  
Now half my heart beats fast fast fast for you_  
\- "Half My Heart Beats" by The Smittens

  
Sho unpacked his things carefully, as his best friend watched. Neither of them said anything as Sho placed his clothes in the closet, slowly emptying his suitcase. It took a longer time than he was used to, because he had to bring everything from his room to the college dormitories. He was used to packing and unpacking, though; he had been in boarding school for as long as he could remember. And the college dorms were only in walking distance to his old high school.  _So why does everything feel so different?_  he wondered.

As he hung the last of his shirts up in the closet, he looked down at his suitcase, and caught sight of the single letter that was there. It looked like it had been crumpled and smoothed out several times, and the words were smeared around the edges, but it didn’t matter. Sho had read it so many times, he knew it by heart. 

“Are you ever going to forgive him?”

Sho’s gaze turned from the letter to Toma, who was sitting on the other side of the room. “I don’t have any grudges against him to start with,” he said carefully.

“Liar. Then why didn’t you accept the offer to stay in the school dorms as Miyazawa-sensei’s assistant?”

“Because I needed this.” Sho looked around at his new room. “I need a change. I’m not saying that I wasn’t mad that Jun did what he did. But I know that he didn’t deliberately set out to hurt me or anything. Plus, it was like you said. Summer flings are meant to end. It’s just first love, right?” 

Sho gave his friend a crooked smile, but his eyes were suspiciously bright. Toma felt like an ass for all the times he had told Sho that whatever that had happened to him in summer probably didn’t mean a thing. He had thought that Sho had just got a little carried away with a summer crush, but the seasons are changing, and Sho still got that faraway look in his eyes sometimes, when he thought no one else was looking.  _It must be love._  It baffled Toma, who couldn’t believe anyone could feel that way for anyone else.

He still didn’t know what really happened to Sho in the last summer holidays. Sho wasn’t very forthcoming with the information, but he had read the letter, and got an inkling of the story his friend wasn’t telling him. Sho had fallen, hard, for a boy named Masaki. But while it was first love for Sho - and Toma didn’t doubt that Sho was in love - it was just a fling to the other boy, who was already in a relationship, and hadn’t told Sho. That was about as much as Toma knew. And then, last winter break, the boy had actually came looking for Sho, but was turned away by Jun, Sho’s roommate, who was going through his own problems at the time. Basically it was all a series of bad timing and stupid mistakes, and if Jun and Sho weren’t Toma’s friends, he would opt to stay away from the drama altogether.

“I know that it takes time...”

“I don’t have time,” Sho interrupted. He picked up the letter in his suitcase, looking at it like it shouldn’t have been there. He balled it up in his hands, and threw it in the general direction of the wastepaper basket. It missed, and fell a few inches away from the bin. Toma didn’t miss the hesitation before Sho threw the letter, or the hint of bitterness in Sho’s voice. “I need to grow up, get over it. It’s about time I do.” 

“Well,” Toma said to Sho, “if you’re not mad at him, please come over and visit us sometimes, since he’s still feeling pretty wretched about what he did.”

Sho just wrinkled his nose at Toma’s choice of words, and nodded.  _He may not be mad at Jun, but he doesn’t want to be around Jun right now, either_ , Toma realised, and wished that there was a way for him to get both of his friends back.

* * *

Toma left soon after Sho was done with all his unpacking, claiming that he had abandoned his duties long enough. Since Sho had turned down the offer to stay on at the high school dorms at Miyazawa-sensei’s assistant (a position that was actually coveted by most of the college freshmen, since it was the only way they could get a single room instead of sharing with someone in the college dormitories), Toma had taken it in Sho’s stead. This meant that Toma was also responsible for the high schoolers and was supposed to act as their mentor.  _Those poor kids_ , Sho reflected, wondering what sort of mischief Toma might teach them. But then again, he supposed, people could surprise you. Toma might live up to his responsibility and do a great job.

When he saw that it was already late, and no one else had moved in as his roommate, he went out to look for Ohno, who had left his position at the high school just to take on the same responsibilities at the college dorms. He was pretty sure that Ohno had told him his roommate would be coming in on the same day. He walked down the noisy corridor, reflecting that it wasn’t that different from the high school dorms at all. The only difference was over there, he was a senior, and he was just a freshman here. _And with Ohno-senpai being in charge of this floor, even that much remained the same._

He knocked on Ohno’s door, and waited for a moment before Ohno opened it slightly. “Oh, it’s you,” Ohno said. “Come in. I’ve been having people bugging me all day, and I was hoping it’ll all be over by now.”

Sho just raised an eyebrow at the comment, and walked in as Ohno held out the door for him. He stopped, though, when he saw Jun sitting on the edge of Ohno’s bed, fidgeting. “Um, maybe I should come by later?”

“Stop being stupid,” Ohno said mildly, irritation flashing in his eyes. “You’ve made Jun miserable enough already.” Ever since Jun had told Sho about what he had said to Aiba, Sho had said that he wasn’t mad, but at the same time, he avoided Jun whenever he could. It wasn’t very easy, when he and Jun were roommates. He knew that Jun felt terrible about everything that happened, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about Jun, or anything else for that matter. He had even been pretty short with Toma during the last couple of months in high school. Thankfully, Toma was used to his moods, and ignored it.

“Sorry,” he muttered, not looking at either of them in the eye. “I’m not mad anymore, really.”

Ohno sighed. He walked over to Jun and patted absently on Jun’s shoulder, before asking Sho, “so what was it that you wanted to talk about?”

“Oh. It’s about my roommate.”

“What about your roommate?”

“I thought I have one?”

“Hold on.” Ohno moved to his desk and checked some of the papers that he had lying there. “What room are you in again... never mind, I found it... hmm, yes. Your roommate. He requested a room change, it seems. Wants to be on a different floor or something. Probably wants to be closer to a friend.”

“I see. So I don’t have a roommate then?”

“For now, I guess.” Ohno smiled, and made a shoo-ing gesture with his hands. “It’s really hard for a first-year student to get a room to himself, so count yourself lucky and don’t question it too much.”

* * *

The first few months at college was uneventful. Despite the fact that he was further apart from Toma, they took a lot of the same classes and saw each other a lot. Sho had grown used to being surrounded (and hounded) by juniors, but this time he was the junior, getting lost while trying to get to classes and taking things a little more seriously than he should, sometimes (or so Toma said). While Toma was being more social, Sho was more withdrawn than he used to be, only hanging out with those from his old group of friends at school, and spending most of his time studying.

Now and then he liked to take a walk in the school compounds, enjoying the cool spring air and the contrast of the sun’s comforting warmth on his skin. He walked alone, humming or whistling to himself, not thinking about anything in particular.

It took about a week for him to realise that the song that had been stuck on his head was the one that Aiba had sung to him, once.

* * *

There was a boy in economics class. Sometimes Sho would turn and catch the boy staring at him. He wasn’t sure why. The boy looked a little familiar, but Sho couldn’t place him. He heard that the boy skipped a grade in high school and was younger than the other first-years, so he supposed that the boy must have been one of his juniors once, that he couldn’t remember.

* * *

“Are you and Ohno-senpai  _together_ , now?”

Jun blushed when he asked the question, and Sho felt embarrassed on the boy’s behalf. He and Jun had only started repairing their friendship, and he hadn’t meant to pry, but he was curious. Toma had told him that Jun was rarely in the high school dorms, and Sho had seen him around with Ohno a couple of times.

“I guess,” Jun mumbled. “We just hang out, mostly.”

Sho just nodded, understanding. Ohno would probably wait until Jun had graduated before really pursuing the relationship. “He’s just being cautious.”

“I know.” Jun uncrossed his legs, and looked up at the branches of the tree shading them. “Sho, I’m really sorry.”

“Forget about it. That’s my plan this year - to just forget about stupid high school stuff.” Sho was staring at the entrance of the arts building, which faced the park. He thought he saw a familiar figure walking into the hall, but it could have been anyone. He concentrated on the stream of students walking in and out of the building, and saw someone looking back at him. The boy from his economics class. “That guy looks really familiar,” he said.

Jun took a look, but the boy had already turned away by then. 

* * *

Sho’s solitary walks became more infrequent after he patched things up with Jun, because he spent more and more time with the younger boy. Sometimes Toma would be with them, but Toma was busier these days, so both of them rarely saw their friend.

That evening Jun had a make up class, but the weather was inviting, so Sho decided to take a walk by himself. Ever since he remembered where he had heard the tune stuck in his head came from, he had tried to forget about it. On quiet days like the one he was having, though, he remembered, and wondered.  _Why can’t I let go of him?_  He had only known Aiba for a few weeks, and they had only shared one kiss before Aiba was gone, leaving him with nothing but a letter.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t fall over when someone bumped into him. He managed to hold on to a nearby tree, stopping his fall. He turned to glare at the person who had bumped into him, but froze instead.

“Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to hit you that hard. Guess you were really spaced out, huh?”

Sho blinked.  _Masaki did that on purpose?_

“It’s just that, the first time we met I completely knocked into you, remember? So I thought, hey, maybe this way it’s a little like starting over again or something. It’s stupid, I know. But I saw you here and I figured I might as well say hi.”

Sho just stared at the boy before him. He wondered if he had actually bumped his head hard against the tree, and was now seeing things. Or if he was actually currently unconscious, and this was all a dream. Because Aiba couldn’t be  _here_. Why would Aiba be here?

“You can say something, you know. Even yelling at me and being angry is okay.” Aiba sounded a little subdued now. “Sho-chan? Do you hate me so much that you won’t even talk to me?”

Aiba always made his heart beat faster, even from the first time they had met, but now it felt a little different. Still his pulse quickened, still his chest tightened, but there was also a bit of a coldness, a pain. If Aiba put butterflies in his stomach, the flutterings he now felt was more like the struggle of a butterfly with a broken wing.

“ _Please_  say something, Sho-chan.” Aiba’s voice dropped even lower, now barely a whisper. “Even if it’s ‘go to hell.’”

“What are you doing here?”

Aiba looked down. Sho had sounded so... blank, emotionless. He would have preferred anger in the other boy. He would have preferred hostility. He could deal with that. But the dullness of Sho’s tone, barely glazing over his hurt, filled Aiba with fresh guilt. “I’m really sorry about what I did,” he said.

“You didn’t answer my question.” Sho didn’t want an apology. Apologies didn’t make things better. It wouldn’t mend the way Aiba had made him feel, still made him feel now. It wouldn’t change the fact that Aiba had lied, and that after almost a year, he still missed Aiba. 

“Remember that I played basketball in high school? Well, I’m still playing now, and my team is here for a friendly match, and we’re going to have a demonstration at the high school or something. I don’t really get to play much, because I’m still a first-year, though.”

Sho nodded, remembering that Ohno had mentioned something about it. The players from Aiba’s school - not that he had known it was Aiba’s school when Ohno told him - were supposed to arrive that day, and they would be staying with students from Sho’s dorms for a few days. Sho himself had to share his room with someone, a third-year student. “Who are you staying with?”

“My best friend goes here, so I asked to stay in his room. You met him once, I think - his name is Ninomiya, do you remember?”

Realisation dawning, Sho nodded again.  _Now I know why he’s so familiar._  “He’s in one of my classes.”

They fell silent after that, as neither of them knew what to say. After awhile, the silence grew more and more unbearable, until Sho said, “I need to go.”

“Okay.” Aiba paused. “See you later?”

Sho shrugged noncommittally before turning away. Aiba bit his lips, trying not to call out for Sho to stay, to apologise again, to beg for forgiveness, to tell the truth.  _I don’t think I’ll ever get over you._

* * *

“I saw him,” Aiba said, pulling Nino’s blankets over himself. “He was walking in the park outside, like you said he would be.”

“He’s there almost every other day,” Nino replied. “Did you talk to him?”

“Yeah.”

“Told him how you felt?”

“...sort of.” He had apologised, even if Sho hadn’t acknowledged his words at all. “He’s different,” Aiba said, although he didn’t really know if it was true. “I mean, he feels different. A little more distant than he used to be. More guarded.”  _Was it my fault?_

“I hear that he used to be really popular in high school,” Nino told Aiba. “But here, he mostly sticks to the same group of friends, and spends most of his time with one of his juniors from high school.”

Jun. Aiba had heard about the boy from Nino, because he had asked about how Sho was doing every time he called his best friend. It irritated Nino that Aiba was using him to spy on Sho, but he did it anyway, out of misplaced guilt from the fact that he was now dating Aiba’s ex. From Nino’s descriptions of Jun, Aiba knew that it was the same boy that he had met last winter, the one that had told him off for what he did to Sho. _No wonder he reacted that way_ , Aiba thought, after Nino told him about Jun and Sho’s closeness.  _He must care about Sho a lot._  

* * *

Aiba didn’t see Sho the next day, or the day after. It wasn’t that he hadn’t looked for Sho. It was just that Sho was nowhere to be found. Aiba didn’t have a lot of free time to go searching for Sho, so he let it be. 

On the third day, after the demonstration his team did for the high school, Aiba met Jun.

He was walking back to the college dormitories, lagging behind his teammates. Jun had been in the college side, it seemed, and was walking back. They both paused, studying each other in recognition.

“Hi,” Aiba said, attempting a smile. 

“Hi.” Jun shifted uneasily. “I’m sorry, you know, about last time.”

Aiba shook his head. “You were protecting Sho. I probably would’ve done the same for my best friend.” 

“It was really bad, what I did.” Jun never really knew why Aiba had come looking for Sho last winter, and he had chased Aiba away without really asking. He still remembered how hurt Aiba had looked when he told Aiba not to bother Sho again.

“It was. But it was nothing compared to what I did to him, so I guess I deserved it.” Aiba smiled self-deprecatingly as he said, “well, today is my last day here, so I’m glad to have met you again.”

“Have you told him?” Jun blurted out, as Aiba passed by him. Aiba stopped.

“Told him what?”

“How you felt.” When Aiba didn’t answer, Jun said, “I may be wrong, but I had the impression that you felt the same way about Sho as he did for you. That’s why what I did was really... he should’ve have forgiven me so easily,” Jun said, side-tracked by the thought of Sho. “But you’re here again, and I think that you should tell him, whatever it was that you wanted to tell him last winter.”

* * *

“Are you sure you’re leaving with no regrets?” Nino asked Aiba as his friend packed to leave. “You only saw him once, didn’t you?”

“He’s doing fine,” Aiba said. “The last thing he needs is for me to mess up his life again. I’ve done enough of that.”

“But -” Nino paused. “I just remembered, I need to ask Ohno-senpai something. I’ll be right back.”

Aiba didn’t even look up at his friend as he folded his newly laundered shirts and carefully placed them in his bag. Even though he knew that Sho went to this school he hadn’t come with any false hopes. Just the fact that he was able to talk to Sho again was good enough. “I just have to keep telling myself that,” he muttered under his breath.

“Telling yourself what?” 

Jumping at the sudden interruption, Aiba saw Sho leaning against the doorjamb. “What are you doing here?”

“I live here. Well, in this building, anyway.” Sho studied Aiba’s expression, looking as if he was searching for something. “Were you going to leave without saying goodbye again?”

Aiba looked away. He really didn’t know how to answer to that. He held his breath when Sho walked in, closed the door, and sat in front of Aiba on the floor. 

“You never told me, you know. What you thought of your little ‘experiment.’”

Aiba’s words haunted Sho, still.  _Think of this as an experiment._  As if Sho was just a test, and he had left the next day thinking that Sho wasn’t good enough. 

“I liked you,” Aiba said softly. “I’m sorry that I ended things the way I did, but I wasn’t playing with you or anything. I really liked you. And it scared me, a little. I had a girlfriend, and I was leaving anyway, and I didn’t see how it could work for us. And when I kissed you...” he stopped to take a deep breath. “When I kissed you, it scared me even more. Because I felt  _more_  than I thought I would. I broke up with her, you know.” He looked up, and saw Sho’s eyes widening. “It took me awhile to realise it, but my heart only beats for you now.” He laughed. “God, those words are super embarrassing to say. But I’m glad I said it, because now you know.”

“You broke my heart,” Sho said, in the same toneless way he had spoken in the park a few days ago. Aiba closed his eyes, thinking,  _I should have known that I left it too late._  But he felt Sho’s warm breath on his cheeks, as Sho leaned in to say, “but what’s left of it still beats for you, too.” Aiba didn’t have to pull away to look at Sho to know that the other boy was blushing. It would only take a small movement for their lips to meet, and the thought made his breathing shallow, but he didn’t mind, because Sho was the same.

“I thought you were avoiding me,” he said.

“I was. But Jun came to tell me today that I’m being an idiot, that if I don’t try to talk to you once more then I’m condemning him to a lifetime of guilt for keeping us apart.” Sho heard Aiba’s snort of laughter, and grinned. “So who am I to deny my junior a peaceful, guilt-free life?”

“Sho-chan.” Sho thought that it was starting to get silly, the way they were sitting, and wanted to pull away, but Aiba’s hands had found his and kept him there. “Are you going to kiss me or not?”

Time was a funny thing, Sho reflected. He didn’t know why sometimes one could go completely back in time and erase all the bad things that have happened in between, like when their lips first touched and it was like it’s summer all over again without all those seasons in between. And sometimes it seemed like everything, past present future, happened at the same time. Sho knew he was in the present and yet a part of him from last summer was also there, because they were connected by the same feelings coursing through them, and at the same time he knew that he was also connected to all of the people he would be in the future who would never stop feeling this way about Aiba. 

And sometimes, just sometimes, time just stood still, making a moment last forever.


End file.
